What next ?

 17 Oct 2024

Daddy finally messaged me today. He sent me a reel about toxic relationships. He indicated that he is in trauma because of me. I still don't know what's in his mind. I don't know whether he is willing to be together or wants me to walk away. I could not come to tell him that how I was slowly going into depression and how that is impacting you. I could not tell him about my complications, I don't think he was in a state of mind to care about them.

I kept asking him what will keep him happy. I did not get any answer. I don't know whether he wants me to walk away or be together. Maybe he wants me to walk away but is not able to explicitly say that due to family pressure. I can't live without him though, you know that Chotu. But I can't even force him to accept me. I want him to be happy. Is he indicating that he is happier without me ? I have no idea, what's going on in Daddy's mind. I feel he wants to live a life without me.

Should I walk away Chotu? Then what about you? You will be forever deprived of a father. There is no mistake of yours in all this. Life is tough. And I am super sorry that I made it tough for you even before you are out in this world. Please be there with me always. Daddy hates Mamma now. All the love is gone. But I still love him and will continue till eternity. You will know Mamma's love Chotu when you come in this world. And which is why Mamma also expects a lot.

I only have questions today and don't think I would ever get the answers. Sorry Chotu for all the suffering. I don't know what's next, so I will let things go with the flow and accept whatever is in store for me.

The taxing day

 12 Oct 2024

Today I could feel you throughout the day. Morning, afternoon, night. And I am glad you are not a night owl :) Looks like you are becoming stronger, You seem to be moving throughout. It's a superb feeling and I just love it when I feel you. I remembered daddy today - it would have been so happy to have him with us and feel you.

14 Oct 2024

Chotu - I am sorry again. Yesterday and today was tough. I cried throughout remembering daddy. As usual, he does not respond and even when he does, he just takes me left and right and portrays me like a witch. My hopes are slowly diminishing. I kept trying to call him, kept trying to explain about how it's impacting you, but no use. I don't think he cares. His sister says he misses me, but I don't see it anymore. He is having fun and enjoying his time without us. He knows more about his friend's pregnancy, her complications, her leaves than mine. Daddy does not love me anymore. I thought he at least loves you, but I was wrong. He does not love you too.

But you take so much care of me. In spite of all the stress I give you, you were still active today throughout. I am sorry, I could not enjoy your presence today. Your aatya gave me hopes, that daddy still loves me, but she is wrong. He doesn't. He won't come back to us. It's over. Even if he does, it won't be the same. He will always treat me with hatred.

Love you baccha though. I am also stressed of my job. Already 3 weeks leave and now my boss is insisting I come down to office. I am not sure what to do now.I need to work, need to have an incoming income for my debts, for rising expenses, for your future. Suddenly everything seems to be going against me.

But your presence keeps me positive. I will go with the flow. I had half a mind to travel down to Kolkatta this week to meet Daddy. But reading all the possible risks, I am now two minded. How can I risk you, already have troubled you enough. But I don't think it will be same with Daddy and me ever again. Slowly I am getting to know him better. He is not what I thought he was - a gentleman, he isn't. I will no longer wait for him now, all my hopes are broken and shattered.

I am waiting for Feb, for you to be in my hands. And now I will only focus on you, my baccha. Be happy and healthy and just be with me like this always. Love you!!!

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Mirror mirror on the wall

It doesn't mater whether I am short or tall

If my legs are skinny or my hips are wide

All that truly matters is who I am inside

Blue eyes, black eyes, brown or green,

What makes me most beautiful can never be seen

Which is my when you look at me next time don't judge me by my parts

Because the most beautiful thing about me is my heart

- Anonymous

Chotu's first glimpse!

 Oct 4, 2024

Today was one I had been eagerly awaiting, excited for every scan because it means I get to see you again. I had a feeling everything would be just fine—after all, we're both fighters. But nothing could have prepared me for the surprise of a 3D scan. I was overjoyed and speechless as I could truly see you. There you were, one tiny hand resting on your face and the other gently across your little chest. The doctor aunty gave my belly a little shake to encourage you to move your hand so I could see your face better. In that moment, you made my day—no, you made my entire life. The sight of you, so small yet so full of life, brought a happiness that is beyond words. My tiny little you, filling my heart with a divine joy I never knew existed.

Seeing your tiny legs move, your delicate spine, your ribs, and even your little brain—every part of you gave me goosebumps. I couldn’t believe how real it all felt. I can't wait to hold you in my arms, my little Chotu. You are my everything, my reason for being, and I just know in my heart that you'll be born happy, healthy, and strong. Mamma is doing everything she can to make sure your delivery goes smoothly. To celebrate this special day, I treated myself to some samosas and rasgullas, and I think you loved them too—I could feel you move inside me after I ate! Love you so, so much, my little one!

Oct 5, 2024

Doctor Aunty confirmed that everything looked good on the scan. However, she did advise me to be cautious about the stomach ache I’ve been experiencing. My restrictions continue, but knowing you're with me gives me all the comfort I need. With you by my side, I find complete peace.

Oct 7, 2024

You've been so active today! From morning until night, I've been feeling your movements. It seems like you're happy, and it fills my heart with joy. Your activity feels like a reflection of my own happiness, and for Mamma, there’s no greater pleasure than feeling you. That’s why Mamma is always happy, so you are too, and you bring me so much love and joy!

Just me and my Chotu!

Month 4-5: A Journey with Chotu

August 29, 2024

Around 11 PM, I felt a gentle wobble in my tummy. It lasted just a few fleeting seconds, but it was unlike

anything I’d ever felt before—as if a tiny ball was moving inside me. In that instant, I knew it was you, Chotu.

My heart overflowed with joy, a kind of happiness that words cannot fully capture. Feeling you so early in my

pregnancy is a blessing that few experience, and you gifted it to me. Thank you, my little fighter, for being

with me, for knowing that Mamma needed this reassurance. You knew how much I love you, and that I would

do anything to protect you. Through this tiny movement, you reminded me that you're right here with me.

Thank you, Chotu.  

September 10, 2024

Your soft movements have continued, especially at night. Each flutter feels like a divine whisper, reminding me

of your growing presence. It’s become a cherished ritual, feeling you almost every day. In those moments,

all my worries disappear, and I’m left with a sense of peace that’s beyond words.  

September 23, 2024 

I had trouble sleeping tonight, awake for most of the night. But you kept me company. I could feel you moving

so much—you’re already showing signs of being a night owl, just like your father! I felt you here, there, and

everywhere, constantly in motion. It was the sweetest feeling, and it made a restless night much easier to bear.  

September 25, 2024  

Week 18 has begun, and now I can feel you every day, especially at night. I’ve noticed a lovely little pattern—

you seem to be most active between 10:30 PM and midnight. This has quickly become the best part of my day,

and after feeling your presence, I sleep so deeply and peacefully.  

September 28, 2024 

The 19th week has arrived, and today Mamma attended a wonderful workshop. During a 10-minute

meditation, they encouraged us to talk to our babies, and I did. In those serene moments, I felt you moving,

and it seemed like you loved it! From this week onward, I’ve dedicated 3-4 hours each day just for you, Chotu,

and I cherish every minute. I feel your little movements when I eat, and especially before I go to bed—

you’re my active, loving baby, my steadfast little fighter. No matter the stress, you stand by me, strong and

unwavering.  

Mamma has become very disciplined—starting the day with yoga, listening to soothing Raagas, meditating,

and spending time just talking to you. I cherish meditation the most because I can feel you moving so vividly.

I talk to you several times a day, and it’s the most blissful experience. You’ve even helped me adopt healthier

habits—no more cravings for junk food or sweets! I’m so grateful for you, my strong and healthy little one.

Your presence has brought such positive energy into my life.  

September 30, 2024

This morning, I distributed food to those in need, and I couldn’t help but think that one day you’ll grow up to

be even more generous and kind-hearted. The rest of the day was filled with our routine, and I’m feeling

stronger, both mentally and physically, all because of you, Chotu.  

October 4, 2024  

Today was a special day—I finally saw my baby bump, and it made me so happy! I can’t wait to show you off,

my little one. Time to get some new clothes! While my weight hasn’t increased much, I know you’re growing

strong and healthy. Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of stomach pain, but each time it happens, I sense that

you’re having a growth spurt. This month is crucial for your brain development, and I’m filled with

excitement for the journey ahead. Our time together—doing yoga, meditating, and talking—feels so special.

I know we’re going to share many more beautiful moments in the months to come, and I’m sure you’re going

to love it just as much as I do.  

False accusations

He says I hurt him, acted wild,  

But those are lies, I’m still so mild.  

He doesn’t care what I endure,  

Through stress and pain, I stay sincere.  

I feel the weight of false claims made,  

That I’m to blame for every fade.  

He doesn’t see my body’s fight,  

Pregnant, weary, through the night.  

Though rage and doubt cloud his mind,  

I hold on tight, our hearts entwined.  

I won’t give up, I’ll find a way,  

To heal what’s broken, make him stay.

Whispers from the womb

 The feeling of you gently moving,  

Tiny flutters, soft vibrations proving,  

A little life, so active and true

You make my day, my night, too.

I’m learning your rhythm, your ways,  

The moments you kick, the times you play.  

My little fighter, strong and bright,  

Feeling you brings pure delight.

Each movement tells me we’re connected,  

Our bond so deep, so well-protected.  

In every flutter, a love so tight

You make my world, my day, my night.